Have you ever been pressured by family or friends to grieve according to their schedules? Or have you been told that you should find closure and be over “it” by now? Such comments stem from ignorance of the fact that there are an untold number of dueling styles. No two people afflicted in the same way.
How we grieve and grieving (making our grievance public) is a uniquely personal and highly individual process due to a myriad of variables woven into our complex style of grieving. Let’s examine some of these variables to better understand why each person should be allowed to cry at their own pace and in their own way.
1. Early Childhood Experiences. How did you first learn about death? What stories were told and how did adults respond to death, dying and mourning? What did they say or not say, especially non-verbally? Was the result of your first encounter seeing death as an enemy, a friend, inevitable, or terrifying? And most importantly, what did you learn from those in your circle of friends growing up? Many of those first images remain in your unconscious and have an effect on the way you deal with the loss of a loved one.
2. Religious beliefs, the media, and reading all play a role in our current view of death and how we grieve. Consider what you have learned, good or bad, from watching hours of television, including horror shows. What has your minister, priest, or rabbi communicated about death and the afterlife? And then consider what you have read about death in the newspaper, books, or magazines.
3. The nature of death and who died. How the death one is grieving occurred, and who the person who died is, plays another important role in how we grieve. Sudden and unexpected deaths are bound to generate intense and prolonged grievance responses. Murder, suicide, car accidents, deaths in combat, drug overdoses, or other accidental deaths have their own added burdens that mourners must deal with. The death of a child, sibling, parent, ex, spouse, friend, or multiple deaths can elicit a very different response. The complaint can become especially complicated when a body cannot be found.
4. The degree of emotional investment in the deceased. An extremely important factor in how one grieves is the nature of the relationship with the person who died. Was there total dependence on the deceased? Was there a hostile or ambiguous (love/hate) relationship? No one except the bereaved person knows the true depth and meaning of the relationship. And what effect will the loss of a loved one have on the bereaved’s social relationships? Could survivor’s guilt be involved?
5. The health and personality characteristics of the bereaved. Energy levels, stamina, previous bouts of depression, and general positive or negative attitudes before death must also be taken into account in grief mode. So too, nutrition, amount of sleep, exercise, coping behaviors, and the ability to deal with stress will also play a part. Any of the above can increase or minimize the amount of unnecessary suffering and intense pain felt.
6. Social support system. The bereaved’s perception of their support system has a major effect on the course of grievance work. If the person believes that no one understands them and feels isolated or rushed in their complaint work, they will have to deal with a lot of additional pain. On the other hand, realizing that she has many people she can trust and turn to can boost her confidence that she can handle the big loss. This is where one’s culture also plays a role in how a bereaved responds.
7. The meaning of loss. Trying to find the meaning of why the loss occurred, whether it could have been prevented, and whether it was for nothing can be an especially important factor in the duration of tort work. Finding a satisfactory explanation for death with all the details is often a difficult task that requires a lot of time and thought and cannot be rushed.
To summarize, all of the above and more is involved in the beliefs we form and the expectations we have about death, dying, and mourning. There is a complex web of influences from our past that we bring to how we grieve in the present. And there are many variables surrounding death that add up to the way it is mourned.
Let’s honor each person’s story and allow them to grieve and express their feelings and thoughts. Be patient with those who are mourning. Hold on with them. Do your best to see your complaint from their perspective. It is a unique grievance, a special relationship, and your needs that must be met.