Sometimes no contact with your wayward partner is the best approach. No contact means just that; no seeing each other in person, no talking on the phone, email, text, no messaging through the kids or others, no smoke signals, nothing. This is done for a few reasons, but the most important ones are for the safety and healing of the betrayed partner as they try to regain control of their own lives. In addition, however, it also seems to have an effect on the wayward companion, making him see things with new eyes or perhaps helping him get off the fence. There is nothing more revealing for a fencer than having one of his options suddenly taken away. There he/she is, perched on top of their fence, carefully looking at and comparing both sides, thinking that even though they have to make a very important decision that will affect the rest of their lives, it’s really good that they have so much time to weigh their options. and make the right decision. Well, imagine their surprise when you suddenly take away their safety net AND one of their options, all at once! Is that how it works:
First of all, no contact with your wayward partner is not the same as the no contact you expect from your wayward partner and their love partner. That kind of no contact means exactly what it sounds like… NO CONTACT AT ALL. This non-contact is determined by the betrayed partner. In other words, you can choose all the terms, ie. when, where, how and content.
Second, don’t tell your wayward partner what your intentions are. This will most likely blow up the whole plan in your face. They didn’t tell you they were going to cheat on you first, did they? So get rid of those guilty feelings!
The best way to implement this plan is to use caller ID as much as possible.
DO NOT answer your calls 75% of the time. If it doesn’t relate to kids or finances, don’t bother calling them back. Now, of course you want the kids to have an active and healthy relationship with their other parent, so it’s okay if you answer the phone from time to time. It’s also okay for your kids to answer the phone directly when the other parent calls, but make sure they don’t let themselves be called on the phone. If you think you’re putting the kids in the middle, then by all means GET INTENTIONALLY BUSY when you see their name flash on caller ID. All it takes is a message to the child when called on the phone, “No, I can’t answer the phone right now. Tell them you have my permission to take a message for me.” The point is to make yourself unavailable.
Remember, the next time you politely decide to take your call, do NOT talk about anything except kids and finances. Feelings should not be discussed, especially of the betrayed partner. NONE. NONE. NONE. I have it? But please, be as sweet as you can be. Be kind and loving, but impersonal. Do not provide personal information about yourself. Answer their questions, say what you have to say, and hang up. That is all. Never cry, beg, or show any negative emotion.
Now is the time to establish a visitation schedule that most people do when they are separated or divorced anyway. Try to make it at least one weeknight and alternate weekends. This also has multiple advantages. First, it gives him time to deal with the curveball that has been thrown at him. Not many people can face infidelity and not be deeply affected. You need time to take care of yourself, so make sure you get it. It also gives them a chance to see what their life will be like soon. Do you want a divorce? Well then, let them experience what it will be like NOW.
But the most important part of this visitation schedule is this: You MUST make yourself unavailable to your wayward companion and the children during this time. When you don’t have your kids, don’t answer the phone and try not to be home (or at least not be home so it looks like you’re busy). It doesn’t matter if your plans include a trip to Wal-Mart to pick up bug spray and toenail fungus. GONE AND NOT AVAILABLE.
Almost certainly, your wayward partner will notice these changes in you and begin to wonder and think. They see that you have come out of your pit of despair and are now nice and happy again. They see you being active and social. This makes them wonder what is going on. Most likely, they will begin to be questioned by them, since they now begin to notice the changes. They may not be word for word, but they will definitely be something like this:
How are you?
Where were you?
Who were you with?
What were you doing?
Now here are the answers you need to use for this exercise to be effective.
How are you? OK (It’s important not to answer their questions. Act like you don’t care.)
Where were you? OUTSIDE
Who were you with? NO ONE YOU WOULD KNOW
What were you doing? SIMPLY THINGS. If they persist tell them: THINGS THAT DO NOT INTEREST YOU.
This creates a bit of mystery and turns them upside down. Remember to be as polite as possible when giving these answers. Be vague but truthful. Wal-Mart is out, right? And the cashier is probably someone you wouldn’t know, right? Watch? It may seem like a game, but you’re not really lying. You are just creating mystery.
Another effective technique to add to the above is to change something about yourself, such as hair color or cut, a new outfit, paint your nails, wear a new scent, grow a beard, etc. They’ll notice in a heartbeat, but no. never point it out yourself. Ask them if they want to know. And believe me, they do.
Most of the time, you will come to one of two results. Or the marriage will end and you are already much further down the road to recovery. You have distanced yourself enough from them to begin to heal and plan for your own future. Or they will re-evaluate their situation and realize exactly what they are about to throw away. They throw them off the fence, so to speak. Regardless of which option they choose (and remember, you have options too), one thing is certain. It will help your own healing process by giving you a much-needed boost of self-esteem exactly when you need it. It will help you step back and assess the situation for what it really is and give you the clarity to make the best decision for you. This is not a game and it really works.