Fewer people are getting married today than ten years ago. Recent statistics show that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. Why is that? It can be due to any number of reasons, from cheating spouses to irreconcilable differences. But, the number one reason lies in the home. This is how spouses treat each other.
Validation
The definition of validation is make valid; to give confirmation or official approval of the sanction. Synonyms for validation are: acceptance, affirmation, approval, authentication, acknowledgment, etc. Most people don’t validate each other. We go about our daily lives taking each other for granted without stopping to appreciate our spouses.
This is where some will argue that they don’t need to be validated. “The proof of a job well done is enough,” people will say. If that were true, then why do we always try to impress our bosses to show them how well we can do the job? Or to outdo our friends when it comes to impressing them with possessions? We want to be validated. We want to feel important to someone.
A person goes home with their spouse and 2 different scenarios can happen: he or she could go home with a spouse who makes them feel very important, the king or queen of the castle, if you will. Or that person could go home to their spouse, who sees them as a nuisance, an intruder, or a scapegoat, or even someone to take down when things don’t go their way.
You know the type of person I’m talking about. It could be one of your friends who thinks her husband is up to no good. He doesn’t make love in a way that sends fireworks to her head, he doesn’t discipline the kids so she’s always the bad guy, or he doesn’t do chores correctly and she always has to redo them. The poor man can do nothing to please his wife. Is it your fault or the wife’s fault? It’s certainly not your fault. He might be perfect in every way, but she would still find fault because she doesn’t understand that making her husband feel important is not just a boost to his ego, but vital to their marriage.
How about we look at it from a different angle? Let’s say that a woman is the one who does not feel important in the marriage. Let’s imagine that she makes an impressive big meal and cleans the house after working a typical 8-hour shift, but her husband either doesn’t realize it or doesn’t think he should be thanking her for her efforts. There can be several reasons why this happens. But for the sake of discussion, let’s just say it’s because he doesn’t think it’s that difficult to keep a clean home and plan and prepare a healthy meal for the family. Most of the time when you’re young and newly married, you just don’t think about that kind of thing, because it’s hard enough to think about yourself, much less another human being. So, she does all this hard work and receives no feedback from her husband. Later that night, while they are lying in bed, he advances towards her, but meets resistance and has no idea why she does not reciprocate.
When we don’t validate our spouses, they look for that need elsewhere. You will look for it in the workplace, which would not be so bad, unless you neglect your family; or you will seek him out in a specific way with another person to make him feel important, such as on a sex date or just an emotional search.
Any of those, a sexual encounter or an emotional relationship, can be quite devastating to a marriage and most of the time, because that kind of betrayal is hard to overcome, a divorce is the only way out. However, a divorce does not stop the cycle in which the offending partner ignores the needs of the other partner.
Not being validated, along with not having mutual respect, can damage the relationship. Marriages are based on trust, respect, communication, and love. That list is in no particular order, however, each is as important as the other to the marriage. Without one of those key advocates, you don’t have a lasting relationship.
Confidence
If you cannot trust your spouse, your lifelong partner, the person who was with you among your family and friends and promised to spend the rest of your life with her, the person who sees you in your most vulnerable state, then in who can you trust? ? No one.
I respect
Respect must be mutual. If you want it, you have to give it to him. It really is that simple.
Communication
Talking to your spouse is vital to your relationship. You need to take time out of your busy schedule to talk to your spouse every day. If you don’t have time to talk, how are you going to make important decisions about your life together? When something important happens, communication between you will be the only thing that will help you get through it. Contrary to some beliefs, yelling is not communicated.
What we are discussing, I have unfortunately seen in my own marriage. There are no perfect marriages. My husband and I have been married for 25 years. In those years, we have survived love affairs, deaths, a premature birth, serious illness, interference with the laws; Whatever it is, we’ve done it. The only way to overcome all of that is with a lot of communication. Communicating with my husband restored the trust and respect that we lost in our time of need. My husband wasn’t validating me and I certainly wasn’t validating him, that’s how we parted ways. We had to find that need elsewhere with other people.
As you can see, validating your spouse is very important, just as important as trust and communication. The next time your loved one goes beyond the call of duty or just does something nice for you, no matter what it is, thank them.