The socialization of women to care for babies, the sick, and the vulnerable can become a trap for us to feel guilty when we have two or more commitments weighing us down. We tend to invest in keeping everyone happy at work and at home. I remember my mother’s training in this regard. At social events, she would give me a plate of candy and say something like, “Now darling, make sure everyone is happy and gets what they want.” She trained me to be aware of the needs of others, not to consider taking candy for myself until others were happy, and not to question that my siblings were playing and being children.
In the 376 responses collected from women who asked about their workplace challenges, twenty-eight respondents reported that their biggest workplace challenge was how the demands of home and family distracted them from work focus. Thirteen said that the attraction between home and workplace was their biggest challenge. Here are some of their comments:
- Teenager with difficulty experimenting with alcohol and drugs and also has Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). She is very challenging, stressful and time consuming.
- Our autistic adult son and adolescent with Asperger/Tourette is a constant concern.
- My relationship with my spouse is distressing.
- Mixing families is difficult.
- Supporting my mother with breast cancer is emotionally difficult.
And the list goes on. John Gray, in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, explains that men tend (there are exceptions) to feel successful when they believe they have made their wives and children happy. Meanwhile, women tend to feel responsible for everyone’s life, including their feelings.
One of Linda Bradburn’s most challenging experiences was leaving her three-month-old son, Matt, with his parents each day to continue her teaching career. She had just received her continuing education certificate and her husband, Roy, was up at 4:00 am to do chores on her new farm before driving to her day job. She felt as if she was hanging by a thread and she was asking herself, “Can we manage?”
Linda managed. She stayed organized. She describes her strategy:
I knew what I would wear the next day. I would have the baby items ready and packed. I would plan our meals. Since Roy and I had a few hours to see each other, I left lots of notes. It was like a long distance relationship with him. I would call him from work. I would get home and he would be gone. The fact that we loved each other helped.
But feeling guilt was her biggest challenge. Although baby Matt was well cared for by his grandparents, Linda went to work every day feeling ashamed to leave him behind. The idea that mothers should be at home taking care of her babies 24 hours a day haunted her.
The worst part of leaving Matt was how he fantasized about what other people were thinking: “She leaves him for the almighty dollar.” But I had put a lot of effort into my education and my salary was necessary if we were to keep the farm. It was a tug of war. “Should I stay home or should I go to work?” In the end, I’m glad I worked. At school, I concentrated on my work, but there was always a picture of my son and, a few years later, my daughter on my desk.
Linda’s strategies included calling her friends, asking for help, and telling herself, “Kids are fine as long as they’re with people who love them. Kids are resilient.”
Linda also recommends:
- Avoid letting what others may think haunt you.
- Minimize guilt as it can drain focus, energy, and confidence.
- Take your work seriously and yourself lightly.