Repentance! The very word smacks of God-fearing judgments and biblical obligations. You will not do; this is where we will start the first lesson. To never have to regret it, just don’t do anything wrong! How easy is that?! Just be perfect, dammit!
Therefore, be sure to implicitly obey the following:
(a) Do not covet your neighbor’s wife. (The Bible insists on this!) Coveting your neighbor’s husband isn’t worth a mention though, so she enjoys it! There’s also no mention of sexy older sisters, best friends, or eligible moms. Go get them tiger! (wink).
(b) You shall not kill. It’s in black and white; no need to swat that pesky mosquito, vegetarianism is now mandated, in fact, you’d be killing the delicious baby tomato offspring if you ripped it off the vine and stuffed it into the killer’s mouth, wouldn’t you? So, live on air and water… but first seek God’s permission.
(c) Love your neighbor as yourself. Therefore, you must find people who live next to you who are identical to you, and then love them. If they differ from you, then they won’t be the same as you, right? If all else fails, just go out of your way to pick a highly rated neighborhood. In other words, ‘love your neighbor as yourself’, but choose your neighborhood carefully!
(d) Love the Lord God with your heart, mind and soul. If you are an atheist or a worshiper of the Goddess, you can skip this part.
The reason I mention the above is to provide a framework of meaningless and subjective rules to confuse you. And this is where the repentance part comes in. You see, if you go overboard on any essential commandment, it is extremely important to seek God’s repentance. Only ‘Them’ can bring you the forgiveness you seek. (Notice how I have avoided offending the God of political correctness with my choice of pronoun, so I have no need to repent.)
Confess your sins, my son! This is a time-honored and time-worn phrase, uttered from the holy of holies! Apparently ‘daughters’ are exempt, so come on ladies… let’s get the party started!
But all you sinful children (shame!), kneel down and describe in detail all your infractions against God. Reveal in detail, do not hide any of your transgressions and empty the immoralities from the chamber of your heart. Free your soul! Thinking about this, is it any wonder why young people wanted so badly to become Catholic priests? The traditional act of confessing was the precursor to the tabloid press. You have to listen to all the dirt! Sex, theft, lust, murder, bestiality, adultery, violence, alcoholism…it was all there! Jackie Collins couldn’t make up some of the things he regretted in the confessional. Holy holy spirits!
The other delight of Catholic-style repentance was that one could pay something called an ‘indulgence’ to the church which released any liability and ensured a clear path to the gates of heaven when one died. Strange that church officials didn’t seem to have to repent of this obvious sales scam technique!
Which brings me to the final conundrum of regret. Where (in God’s name) does God really go if ‘He’ messes up from time to time? If you’re on top, where the hell are you going to download? God Almighty comes downstairs and puts him on top of his former fallen angel, Mr. de Ville? ‘I only come to spread dirt in my last round of punishing earthly sinners with my plagues of blood and pestilence! Do you have a minute, Satan boy? ….I guess I’d better go and regret that. Amen.