“When I move my arm a certain way, it hurts,” a patient once told his doctor, according to an old joke.
“Then don’t move it like that,” was the doctor’s recommendation.
Funny or not, there may be some wisdom in this concept. When anger or adverse effects are the result of a certain situation or an interaction with a particular person, especially when they become repetitive and escalate, and there seems to be no solution to them, refraining from their cause can improve the situation. That concept can be labeled “detachment.”
Separation, in its physical and emotional forms, from such triggering commitments does not necessarily imply that it is right or wrong, but it does allow one person to relinquish their obsessive hold on another who can often resort to internal emotional trapping. It may not imply a relative liking or disliking for him, just his views or his behavior. As a result, it can be considered a relief valve, a respite, or even a vacation from the stress and struggle.
It certainly applies to those chronically exposed to alcoholism.
“Separating from someone with the flu protects me from getting the flu,” according to a member shared in Al-Anon’s Hope for Today text (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002, p. 68). “Emotionally detaching from alcoholism increases the likelihood that I won’t get an overabundance of anger and anxiety.”
Exposed, myself, to para-alcoholism growing up and attacked by my father, who blacked out and acted out his own abusive circumstances of alcoholic childhood, I was held captive by these destructive and traumatic interactions but unable to escape or combat them. After numerous iterations, I came across the phrase “Out of sight, out of mind,” choosing, in a last ditch effort, to try this strategy. It worked.
Refraining from any physical and verbal interaction, I had unknowingly stumbled upon this method of detachment as it no longer served as the trigger that ignited his childhood replays. Aside from living under the same roof, we barely looked at each other for years and I reached a level of relief and stability, no longer subject to attacks. When the situation became intolerable, I found a method of self-preservation. But there are many others where this strategy can be applied.
After repeated and frustrating attempts to influence, change, fix, or cure an addicted person, who is afflicted with an illness and remains in denial, for example, parting with the fixer, regardless of their good intentions, may be the only relief and release. of his own pressure cooker imploding emotions. Knocking on someone’s door that never opens only results in knuckles being shot.
Similarly, trying to force solutions, especially when a codependent person is continually exposed to alcoholism or other addictions and compulsions, without tools or understanding, will only snowball, leaving detachment as the only relief that can reasonably be expected. find. The 12-Step Serenity Prayers, in which members learn to change what they can, accept what they cannot, and gain wisdom. They realize that the difference between the two certainly applies to such situations.
Getting involved in conflicts and arguments that one person cannot win and, in the case of those with others out of control, can result in danger, it will only boil the blood. Detachment, once again, may be the only method of de-escalation and a return to sanity for those who try to penetrate the proverbial brick wall, but never succeed.
Realizing and practicing inappropriate roles, such as hero, scapegoat, and surrogate spouse, in order to maintain dysfunctional family systems, is another situation where this method can be helpful. Letting go of them and refusing to be a part of them will allow the person to regain their true sense of self and put the scenario into more accurate perspective.
Convincing others similarly affected by alcoholism and dysfunction to follow a twelve-step recovery course with one of many groups, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics, Al-Anon, and Emotions Anonymous, albeit with good intentions, can also be a source of frustration if they remain in denial, have not reached their lowest point of tolerance and are not ready for it. Not understanding the intentions and motivations of others, they may respond to the suggestion with resentment, anger, and defense. The old adage, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” may apply here.
Ultimately, detaching from a person’s own unresolved past, with its associated emotional responses and even trauma, may prove to be the only method of breaking out of the rut. “The mind,” one commercial used to say, “is a terrible thing to waste.” But it’s also a terrible thing to deal with when it becomes a whirlwind of reactions that the person can’t shake. In fact, the more you try to do it without the help of a therapist or a Higher Power, the more automatic it will become.
“When something upsetting happens, old memories of previous injuries come back to haunt me,” according to another member shared on Hope for Today (Ibid., p. 158). “This makes it difficult to stay in the present and I start living simultaneously in the past and the future. The results of the past (then) are projected into present and future situations.”
There is an old saying that advises: “When you can’t beat them, join them.” But when joining them wins you over, it’s time to realize that you’re allowing others to pull your strings and influence you too much. Your only recourse during those times may be to get away for a while. It doesn’t necessarily imply that you don’t care enough for another person, especially if they are infected with a disease like alcoholism, but it does imply that you care enough about yourself, your sanity, and your self-esteem to take the necessary steps. improve your situation.
Article Sources:
Hope for today. Virginia Beach, Virginia: Home of the Al-Anon Family Group, Inc., 2002.