One of the most endearing phrases one can hear from a child when their parents or teachers tell them what to do is ‘you are not my boss!’ Although often cute and endearing, it is of course not very accurate. Because, in fact, the parents are the bosses, just like the teachers, while the child is in the classroom. Challenge and opposition are quite normal for children at various stages of development. And who better to challenge and oppose than those perceived to be in authority.
There is no question that children need structure and limits; they need authorities in their lives to guide, correct, inspire, and protect them. Children naturally look up to their parents, teachers, and other adults in the community with whom they can interact as authority figures. Just because you can periodically challenge and oppose them doesn’t mean you don’t need them. Children need authority figures in their lives in the same way that adults need a map when traveling to some new part of the world.
However, as children grow into adolescence and then adulthood, the general pattern of having authority figures tends to remain. Adolescence is generally considered a time of breaking with authority, but it is more like shifting the place of authority from adults to peers. Gangs, cliques and various social clubs provide an opportunity for the adolescent to change his ‘bondage’ from one set of authority figures, ie parents, teachers and adults, to another, ie peers. Peer pressure can be significant and has been the reason for many ill-conceived courses of action.
As adults, we may like to think that we no longer see our parents, teachers, or even our peers as an authority. But, we can be very disturbed by what a partner or colleague tells us because, in our own minds, we continue to value what another person says over what we ourselves can know. In other words, we can continue to see others as an authority. Certainly, society has established authoritative norms, that is, laws and rules, experts and specialists in various fields. We consider a doctor, lawyer, electrician, plumber, or financial analyst an authority in their field, and we often value their knowledge and advice. And yet, we may also find it helpful to get a second opinion. However, when it comes to how we should live, what we should believe, where we should go in life, who we should befriend or marry, and answer questions about why we are here, there is no authority outside of us. Information may be available outside of us, but the final decisions we make are ours. We are our own authority in such matters.
However, because throughout childhood we have built this model of having external authorities; And since our society does have external authorities, it is very easy to look to external authorities to answer questions about our purpose or give direction to our lives, which is a mistake. Too many people pursue careers because of some outside authority guiding them in that direction rather than the direction their innermost self would prefer. Too many couples, both husbands and wives, stay together when both are miserable, because some perceived authority directs or guides them.
The technical term for a person who relies heavily on the advice, direction and guidance of others is called ‘external locus of authority’ or ‘field dependency’ in which the person is highly influenced by their environment, their environment, your situation, especially the beliefs, attitudes, opinions, and behaviors of others in your world. The flip side of that coin is the ‘internal locus of authority’ or ‘field independence’ in which the person makes their own decisions, accepts responsibility for their own decisions, and lives by their own values. When we talk about growing up, about becoming an individual adult, we tend to refer to this idea of having an internal locus of authority and being more independent in the field. But unfortunately, field dependency and an external locus of authority are all too common, even for adults.
Moving from an external place of authority to an internal place of authority can be a challenging task. The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said it well when he stated that ‘the individual has always had to fight not to be overwhelmed by the tribe. If he tries, he will often be lonely and sometimes scared. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning oneself. And, of course, there is the all-too-familiar edict ‘stay true to yourself’. And how is this accomplished? Question authority! Doubt everything you see or hear. Be critical, skeptical. To ask. Research. Feel comfortable saying, when necessary, ‘no’. Developing an internal locus of authority is coming to recognize that, in many cases, the child’s expressions of ‘you are not my boss’ is an appropriate posture for us, as adults. , take when we are faced with someone who tries to be an authority over our life.