Do you find yourself programmed to believe that relationships are meant to last forever? Are you in a romantic partnership following the vows of “Until death do us part”? What happens when one or both individuals have a change in values, sexual needs, or personal desires over a period of time?
Did we keep our initial promises to each other, letting go of our needs, losing ourselves in an effort to hold on to that relationship as we know it? Or do we acknowledge these changes, put our cards on the table and talk about how we can better support each other?
I believe that “relationship” is one of the highest forms of spiritual practice. Now, consider how many relationships you have at this point in your life. You have a relationship with your family members, friends, employers, lovers and with yourself. In every relationship you learn to give and take…you find your edge of growth.
Your growing edge is where you explore all the most intricate parts of yourself and have the opportunity to learn the most extraordinary things about yourself.
What an amazing journey in life and love!
In our hearts we yearn for connection. We want to share life and ourselves with someone or others. We seek our soul mates to share emotional and physical intimacy. Perhaps you have a relationship like this where communication thrives and every touch ignites a pulse of passion. You share life alternating conversations, moments of absurd nonsense, your life purpose is fed and both feel like royalty in the castle of their relationship.
Although relationships are not impervious to change, each connection is an exquisite jewel that deserves devotion and honor. Change does not make the relationships (or the people involved) bad. It is also not an excuse to run away or hide your love in fear.
Death and life are cyclical. You, my friend, change daily. It is essential to continue to cultivate your connection with yourself so that you are aware of these changes.
Within relationships with others (even in the best relationships), one can lose sight of these changes. I want to share with you a great love story. It is not the typical fairy tale of the knight on a white horse, but it involves magic, passion and unconditional love.
Four years ago I met a beautiful man. Our first embrace was one in which our bodies disappeared and our spirits soared through multidimensional realms…
I decided to attend a community meeting and arrived alone. I love being out on my own and having the freedom to explore on my own and people watch. It wasn’t until I left the event that we shared this hug in the middle of the front door. Traffic was blocked for a few moments as our spirits linked through this connection. The words that came out once we let go were: “Thank you!!!” With a wide smile full of heart. I found out later that he had been watching me all night, wondering who I was.
This was the beginning of an extraordinary spiritual adventure of love, passion, magic, soulful connection and getting to know each other and myself more than ever. I was placed on high levels of compassion, clear communication, spirituality, sex (OMG YES! Wild sex with abandon!), and the peace and care of a soft, gentle heart.
Prior to this relationship journey, my great work and service in the world was as a transformational seminar leader, entrepreneur, speaker on mindful relationships, and teaching. Loving what I did was my solo senior partner, of course alongside the relationship I had cultivated with myself. This divine union with my new love would eventually and joyfully match my relationship with my job, which was a new experience in my world. The Love in which this relationship was sustained was exquisite; I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to swim in your ocean!
This ocean had its flow, changing tides, and believe me when I say it had its edges! That is the beauty of the life force of relationship. Our souls are uniting and teaching each other for a brief moment in time. I believe that when love is such a vast ocean to explore with another in the relationship paradigm, it is our duty to swim with eyes wide open to the growth opportunities that arise. Old insecurities and stories come to the surface only to be acknowledged, loved and healed.
Another beautiful aspect of this relationship was that we had the presence and awareness to recognize change and truth. This is not always an easy experience, especially in such beautiful love stories and connections. In early 2016, we recognized our changing needs and questioned what our individual truth was at the time.
Perhaps you have experienced the following scenario in your own relationships or witnessed it in others. One partner does or says something that hurts the other. Anger and resentment rise to the surface. Guilt and shame set in motion. Attempts to communicate fail and a breakup occurs. I remember such relationships in my younger years. I was so caught up in my emotional turmoil with no skills to know how to handle it.
Now, I know that when this change of season begins, it is the perfect time to deepen the relationship as a spiritual practice. When both parties are emotionally mature, they take charge of their own emotional states. A high level of communication skills and tools are required to work through challenging and cutting-edge discussions. Creating a secure container to do so is key.
There is a world of difference in choosing to break up because things are scary or challenging and having a powerful understanding of how much you love each other and have changed so much that you want the best for each other. Sometimes the best means changing the relationship style you currently share.
This is called Conscious Transition or Decoupling.
I am not here to say that this is an easy process. It’s just the opposite, and it can be the most challenging path compared to a typical breakup. A multitude of emotions will erupt. They want to be recognized, expressed and loved in transformation. If we as humans ultimately want love and connection, I am here to invite you to let go of the struggle and learn to cultivate a new relationship empowered by the pain and pleasure of those emotions. In the long run, it will be the most rewarding and liberating path because we are honoring the truths of others.
The relationship itself is a deep life force that is in its own sovereign space. You and your partner are also individual life forces that are whole and complete. Together they have given birth to a unique trio (if I may call it that). It is important to remember this because the waves of emotions will be intense but they must be respected.
My own conscious transition with this beloved man with whom I have shared life for four years was incredibly difficult. I had days when all I felt was anger and then there were days of pain and sadness that softened me and allowed the anger to let go. These emotions are not negative or bad; they are our teachers. However, they can become harmful when we project them onto our relationship and partner.
There were times when I wanted to hate him, truly hate him, but I knew that was my sadness as I argued with the reality of our circumstances.
It was important to feel the hate and acknowledge it because what was real was that we loved each other more than ever.
The only difference was that our truth had changed. Seeing these emotions for what they were gave us the power and choice to lean on each other and our relationship and create a game plan moving forward. We speak of conscious transition as a way of drawing closer to one another, a way of breaking out of old conditioned ways of separation.
My partner and I had an amazing support system that included a dear friend and advice to mediate our transition journey. We celebrate a sacred sharing ceremony. We made love for closure. We set intentions, stepping stones for the future that would allow us to maintain an extraordinary friendship, a soul family, and have playdates that just looked different. We both come forward compassionately during the mourning period and seek the support and advice of a loving tribe.
What I have found in the traditional “till death do us part” vows are unions that are no longer fulfilled when nature was ready to change its season. I remember my grandparents sleeping in separate beds throughout the period of my youth. They were happy? One would not know because those things were not talked about. Were they together because religion or society bound them to that disavowing agreement?
What would life and relationships be like if we let go of those agreements that take away our power? What if love and relationships never died but expressed themselves continually changing like the seasons, like nature?
Life gives way to death, death creates space for life.
The Conscious Relationship Transition begins by continually asking ourselves what our current truth is.
What are your current values, needs, wants, and feelings? Who are your partners? Is one of you moving faster toward a devout society and the other just moving slower than you? Where are your needs and values aligned and where are they not?
If relationships are held unconsciously for longer than they should be, they can become dysfunctional and contain resentment, arguments, and pain.
Today I bow in honor of the life force I call “Relationship.” To the experience of loving and being loved so deeply that I could continue to discover myself in extraordinary ways. I bow to my beloved partner who shares this journey of relating with me and gracefully rides the currents of change with such presence and commitment.
Thank you for showing yourself in such a big way for you. I invite you to take the next step in cultivating that rich relationship with your body, mind, and spirit. Today, ask yourself where you have held on to an old relationship story, fear of change, and suffocated doing so. Today, take a small step to do things differently.