There are different types of intelligence. You and your partner may have been good at school work; you may even have an advanced degree or two. That doesn’t mean his intelligence extends to relationships: emotional intelligence. Being smart in relationships often depends on the home you grew up in and how your parents handled their relationship. It is not always a model for success in your relationship.
So take some time to think about the dynamics of your home growing up and the home you’ve established with your partner. Do you see destructive patterns repeating themselves? Now is the time to break these patterns. Some red flags to look for:
Not talking about money. Money is the number one thing most couples fight over. However, it is often taboo to discuss money matters openly and honestly, possibly because it was not done in your family. But to be successful as a couple you have to have transparency. You must know your debt and the debt of your partner. You need to know what money is coming in and what is going out. You should have a solid and reasonable budget that you both agree on. You should have financial goals and a way to measure your progress toward those goals. You just have to talk about it.
Fights over household chores. Or don’t fight, but feel resentful. The fact is that it is almost impossible to split tasks 50/50, although the motivation to be fair is a good thing. But trying to divide tasks evenly encourages keeping score, and that’s definitely a bad thing. It promotes nit picking which is sure to be detrimental to your marriage. You and your partner should be responsible for what you do best, relative to other tasks. And try to aim for long-term equity. For example, your partner may love to dig in the dirt, but can only garden when the weather permits, while you have consented to do the laundry, which must be done every week without fail. Some weeks you will do more, and some weeks your partner will. Don’t forget to help with your partner’s chores if they feel overwhelmed and ask for help if you feel overwhelmed.
Never go to bed angry. Yes, you were given that supposedly wise advice, but the fact is that you could stay up all night, entrenching yourself more and more in the rightness of your position. Maybe it really is better to go to bed and sleep in it. Things look brighter in the morning and you can be more open with your partner when you’ve had a chance to cool down. Find out what is really on his mind objectively and without an angry tone. Sometimes we assume we know what our partner is feeling, without really knowing. It is also important that you make your feelings known. The exchange of information that each couple needs will make their marriage work well.
Forgetting that relationships are cyclical. you get busy You let things slide. You take your spouse for granted. That’s because you’re human. Sometimes it takes a bit of a struggle for both of you to sit down and discuss how you can make things better. Perhaps all your partner needs is a small gesture from you: an afternoon off while you take care of the kids. Maybe all you need is an occasional cleaning service to lighten your chores. Because what you need most is to remember why you got together in the first place, and to put in the time and effort to enjoy each other’s company.