Sometimes I hear from wives who are really itching to contact the woman their husband cheated on or had an affair with. Some know that other woman – even if it is only a casual acquaintance – and others are strangers to her. But most can figure out how to contact her. And some want to talk to her or write a letter from her in the hope that it will bring closure and allow them to move on.
You may hear a comment like, “For the past three months, my husband and I have been trying to begin the healing process after his affair. Very slowly, I feel like we are beginning to make progress. However, I am still very concerned.” by the other woman’s thoughts. She works with my husband. I’ve seen her, but I don’t know her personally. My son also plays baseball with her son, so I also see her occasionally at the ball park. I didn’t want to have anything to see with her, but lately I’ve started to entertain myself with the idea of talking to her, or at least writing her a letter, I want her to have to look me in the eye and tell me just why she thought it was okay to cheat on another woman’s husband. I want to know what my husband said about me and our marriage. I want her side of the story. And I want her to see that I am a real person breathing with real feelings. I could easily wait outside her office at the end of the day or I could approach her in her ba I’ll park. And if she lost her temper over that, she could always send him an email or a letter. But I really want to look into her eyes. I’m starting to think I need to contact her to close, but my best friend says that she can’t get any good out of opening this particular can of worms. Is right? I feel like if I don’t communicate with her, I can never stop thinking about her.”
Why contacting her often gives you the opposite of closure: Before I give you my very honest opinion, I will tell you that not everyone is going to agree with what I am going to say. Some have called my position the coward’s way out. But let me tell you why I have the position that I have. Many people have approached me or written about this very topic. I always discourage them from contacting the other woman for the reasons I will describe below. Of course, some will go ahead and contact her anyway. I can honestly say that very few come back and say they did well. The vast majority come back and say it was a big mistake because they are angrier than ever throughout the whole process. And many find themselves thinking of the other woman even more than ever. When the goal is closure, I have to tell you that contacting her usually gets you anything but closure. And the reason for this is that she will often tell you things that (whether true or not) annoy you. She sometimes she wants to hurt you. And other times, she’s not really trying to hurt you, but she’s trying to paint herself in the best light possible and so she’ll make her husband the aggressor.
Many wives imagine this encounter with the other woman as a quiet encounter in which she apologizes and promises to stay away. This happens so rarely. She will sometimes feel the need to explain herself and she will get a little defensive because of this. And even if he doesn’t mean to, he might lash out and say hurtful things or give you mental images that may never get out of your head. And frankly, many wives tell me they replay her meeting with her over and over in her mind. If the whole idea is to move on, does she really need even more things to go through her head and ponder?
Alternatives to a face-to-face confrontation: Here is my suggestion. Write a letter. Take everything out. Say everything you want to say and something else. And then leave the letter for a week or so. See if just writing the letter helps release your emotions. My last suggestion is to burn the letter. Many therapists recommend this for closure in all kinds of situations.
If you absolutely feel like you must have something to say, I recommend setting it up so the dialogue doesn’t go on forever. Send an email or a letter so you have the last word. If you must look her in the eye, say something incredibly brief and walk away. But honestly, this is not ideal. Never once did I get an email that said “confronting the other woman was the best thing I’ve ever done. Because I looked into her eyes, I never think about her again. I’m totally able to put her out of my mind now.”
Instead, I get things like, “What a job that woman is. All she could do was tell me how I should have kept my husband satisfied. And then she had the audacity to tell me that she could get my husband back if she wanted and that she could finish my marriage on a whim. She said my husband is only with me because of our kids. I was so mad I couldn’t even form a sentence. And I’m still so mad. I’m thinking of all the things I should have said, but I was too stunned and upset to say. He even sent me a couple of sarcastic emails. What a mistake to let that crazy person into my life. What was I thinking? And now I can’t stop ringing that bell.”