Is communication dead? Or has it just changed so much that it’s unrecognizable?
What have social media done to our ability to communicate? Is it causing more problems than benefits?
Human beings are and always will be social creatures. We don’t like to be alone and to feel a sense of purpose we have an innate need to belong. Being part of a family, club, group, organization or loyalty program is immensely important to us.
Marketers, entrepreneurs and entrepreneurs understand this need. Why do you think you have all those membership cards in your wallet? Frequent flyers, frequent shoppers, coffee cards, dining cards, membership programs, loyalty clubs… the list goes on.
Now that social media is one of the biggest communication methods, we are making friends, following, tagging, liking and connecting in cyberspace like there is no tomorrow. But do we feel more connected? Or are we just becoming even more disconnected?
Communication problems are the biggest relationship problems we have in the world. After all, it is a communication failure that causes wars and other international conflicts. If world leaders cannot communicate well, what hope do we have?
In reality, it is the small changes that you and I can bring about that will change the world. Compassion, understanding and empathy are the pillars of good communication. Without these, there are bound to be fewer connections, more misunderstandings, and therefore even greater conflicts.
Why is it that we just aren’t communicating properly?
Often as children we are forced to hide our feelings, our emotions and our needs. From a young age we learn to be ‘polite’ and are often encouraged to say No exactly what we mean. How many times have you told your child, “You can’t say that, honey. He’s not polite”? I know what I have
As parents, we often deny our children’s feelings in order to accommodate them to our circumstances. When little Joe says “I feel sick today”, he can be given a response like “no you’re not, just go to school and you’ll feel better”.
Or what happens when a child is going to try something new to eat and the parent reacts; “Oh, you won’t like that”? Then they hastily try to push something more appropriate in front of them.
The parent is not only curbing the child’s sense of adventure, but actually telling him how he is going to feel about something before he experiences it.
Although much of this dialogue takes place as automatic responses, what are we doing with future world leaders? No wonder there are so many conflicts going on. What are we teaching our children about their needs, wants, and emotions?
Social media is making it worse!
With the onslaught of social media, we have the ability to communicate ‘virtually’ and ‘connect’ whenever we want. Instead of grabbing coffee, stopping by, picking up the phone, writing a letter, or even an email, we’re tweeting, posting, poking and dialing to stay in touch with our friends.
The importance of the number of ‘friends’ and ‘followers’ has become so valuable to us that companies are sold for billions of dollars just from the volume of their database without ever having sold a single item.
Both of my teenage stepsons are so addicted to social media that we’ve had to instigate phone-free hours and zones in our house just to get them to talk to us more. Dining and cooking are absolutely off limits, but you can still see his ears pricked up every time his phone rings in the next room.
Do you prefer text messages to sex?
That’s how bad it’s getting. Last week I read an article documenting a survey commissioned by Durex, the makers of condoms. The results found that an incredibly worrying 13% of people had caught their partners checking Facebook or some other form of social media while having sex.
This really shocked me. How can this be? So even when these people are practicing the most intimate connections with another human being, they are more interested in how their ‘connections’ stack up online rather than focusing on the person they are touching and feeling right in front of them.
Where to now?
So, with all the negative communication practices we have learned or have been forced upon us, how are we going to prevent our intimate relationships from becoming victims of this anti-communication age? Are we simply destined to never again experience a real connection with another human being?
No – Violent Communication (CNV).
Yesterday I interviewed Shari-Elle from The Communication Group. Shari is a founding teacher of Nonviolent Communication in Australia and was trained by the teacher and creator of this practice, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.
Marshall is the author of Non-Violent Communication – A Language of Life and is a Communication Mega-Guru! He has created a global initiative to change the way we communicate through his nonprofit Center for Nonviolent Communication.
Marshall travels the world to mediate conflict situations and teaches the practice of Nonviolent Communication to local communities, national conferences, schools, and government agencies.
Shari-Elle is a certified NVC teacher and in Australia is at the forefront of teaching young politicians how to communicate more effectively. After interviewing Shari, I further understood the benefits of using NVC’s simple processes.
I first read Nonviolent Communication years ago and although I loved it, I didn’t really ‘get’ it. Perhaps I was too young, ego-driven, or self-absorbed to understand the power of this book. But reading it again more recently, I now consider it the ‘bible of communication’.
NVC teaches a simple 4-step process:
- You observe the actions that are affecting you.
- then you recognize how does it feel because of those observations.
- you indicate your needs, values or desires creating your feelings
- you do a direct action request that will improve your situation.
When I started using these simple strategies with my young daughter who “never listens to me,” I could see an immediate change in the way she listened to me.
Instead of feeling ordered (to which she just doesn’t respond), we suddenly understood each other. She wasn’t begging her five times to get dressed in the morning, she just went and did it. WOW, what a difference!
I personally find step 3 to be the most challenging. You really need to dig deep sometimes to discover the needs, values or desires behind what is causing your feelings. Many of us have been so conditioned to ignore our needs that communicating them becomes almost impossible.
Somewhere along the way, communication seems to have turned into a series of manipulative ploys that allow us to get our way. We have lost the ability to honestly express how we feel, and values have been pushed aside to make way for impulsive desires. Even asking for a specific action from someone to enrich our lives has become foreign to us.
My husband is now reading Nonviolent Communication and our priority is to communicate using NVC. By using NVC techniques we both feel more listened to, better understood and closer to each other.
Communicating with these strategies teaches you that you don’t need to yell or yell to get your point across. In fact, when you allow yourself to be open, vulnerable, and honest with your partner, it increases empathy and, along with it, appreciation for their feelings and their side of the story.
My secret tip!
If you’re ever in doubt as to whether you’re a good communicator, just do one thing… STOP TALKING!
If you stop talking for a minute, you will begin to hear better. Then once you start listening, you can really start to understand. Once you begin to understand, you will be in a better place to empathize, and this leads to the ability to find a solution that is mutually beneficial.
Let’s make love!