There is a jungle out there. At least it is in many families.
Families can be noisy, competitive, and sometimes operate on the survival of the fittest director (or, in many families, the greatest). They work according to some very fundamental laws. They are hierarchical by nature, and children constantly work and adjust their hierarchical order.
And they’re not conflict-free, which is why the family jungle teaches kids so much about how to deal with conflict, relationships, and disputes at school and in the workplace beyond.
One type of behavior that can push parents over the edge is when a child ‘tells a story’ about a sibling, particularly when a dispute or disagreement occurs.
‘Telling stories’ about a brother seems to be part of family life. It’s funny how kids fold their siblings at home, when they wouldn’t dream of doubling their friends at school for similar behaviors.
The message for parents is quite clear. Avoid automatically responding to children’s stories and acknowledge that children use ‘stories’ to involve parents in disputes that should really belong to the children. The problem is, most of us are as predictable as washing machine cycles, so children can usually predict our responses.
What to do when children tell stories?
It helps to acknowledge their feelings but not get too involved in an issue that should belong to them. Avoid being the White Knight who repeatedly rescues victims, Judge Judy (or Josh) who tries one or any of the perpetrators, or the Concerned Cop who always tries to keep the peace. The key is to give children the responsibility to resolve their own disputes. This is a BIG FAMILY strategy. If you had six or eight children, you would be too busy to respond to children’s stories of the less serious variety.
Here are some responses to try when a child approaches you with a tale or story about the terrible and cowardly things his brother did or said to him:
1. The disaster scale: “Where does this fit on the disaster scale of 1 to 10?”
Children can easily exaggerate problems, such that a child who grabs a sibling’s sock suddenly finds himself two rungs above a shaft killer, and suddenly losing his socks is the worst thing that can happen. The disaster scale helps children gain a small perspective.
2. Invite them to solve the problem themselves: “Can you handle this yourself? Is this something you can deal with?” You will never know if you don’t give them a chance! Give the problem back to the children to solve. It’s not that you don’t want to help, but some things really don’t need your help!
3. The shock tactic: “What would you like me to do about it?” This is my favorite answer, as it returns the responsibility to the child. However, be prepared for surprises, as some children just want you to lock their brother in a small room and throw away the key.
4. Property of the problem: “Does this problem really involve you?” Some kids love to get involved in disputes that don’t involve them, but they love to get a certain ‘brother’ in trouble. Do not get carried away by such disputes or you will soon be doing the “brothers dance” with them, with the “adviser” taking the initiative.
5. Put them in the same boat: “I’ll listen to you both when you can tell me the same story.” This is the first step in the conflict resolution cycle. If two children have a story of grief, ask them to agree with the story they tell. This is usually enough to resolve the dispute.
6. The paper and pencil approach: “Can you write down what happened? Give one child and pencil and the other a sheet of paper and invite them to write down exactly what happened. Parents will take a thoughtful written response very seriously. .
We all have our own responses to children’s annoying behaviors. Some we learn from our own families and others we develop ourselves. Sometimes it is good to get out of the ‘left field’ with the things you say and do. It helps to keep life interesting and to keep your children alert. Spontaneity and curiosity are healthy qualities to promote in families. Responding to annoying and repetitive stories gives you the opportunity to be a little spontaneous and creative. Just be sure to maintain your children’s dignity and yours in the process.