We all know that there is a distinct difference between the way men and women communicate in business. But what about female-to-female communication? Who talks about the way women treat each other in their communications? It’s not as pretty and appropriate as some would have you believe.
I am always shocked when I read a feel-good article about women dealing with other women. You know all about mystery women who have never had a problem, exchanged a crossword puzzle, or damaged a relationship. Where do these women live? In La La Land.
I have worked almost exclusively with women for 10 years and have encountered just about every behavior imaginable, both good and bad. I am bombarded with calls and emails every day that run the gamut. The recurring links that stand out are the lack of professionalism, support and empathy that is evoked in women.
The simple truth is that women dealing with other women is a very complex connection. Many factors influence our communication style, some of which have been innate since we were little children. We can’t change those influences now, but we can model ourselves to think before we speak and work within the boundaries of shared experiences.
Think of your communication in terms of the roles you play in your relationships: businesswoman, confidant, wife, mother, friend, sister, boss, partner, colleague, etc. Each character requires a different personality and a different style of communication. Be prepared to support that part in your communication style. Talking gives you more ways to legitimize your communication context. If you’re communicating verbally face-to-face, your body language, inflection, eye contact, and (most importantly) your overall appearance can influence the recipient before he even opens his mouth.
Let’s start by talking about how women communicate. In our busy, stressed and over-committed lives, we rarely communicate proactively. When we approach other women, it’s usually because we need something (not because we’re keeping in touch). Establishing a bond before you really need something will greatly increase your chances of positive communication. One method that I find very successful is staying in touch through a weekly ezine that I write and distribute. The electronic publication includes useful information and tips. When I send it, I am not asking for anything. I am working to build a relationship and establish a familiarity. The truth is that this will benefit me at a time when I may need help. Whether the recipient reads my column or not, they receive a weekly communication that builds brand awareness of who I am and what I stand for. A surefire way to build affiliation that isn’t based on need is to send someone a note commenting on a job well done, an award, a promotion, or another newsworthy event in their life. People love to be complimented and even the toughest profession likes to be told that they are making a difference.
Along the same lines, selfish communication comes from women who want to do business with you. In my case, it is the women who want to do business with me and expect me to do all the work. They go to my website and find out all about me and become a star catcher. Well this is annoying to me. The fact is that when doing business you have to be prepared to keep your end. Get to the point right away. Tell the recipient who you are and what you can do for them, not what you expect them to do for you. Keep your communication benefits boosted. Don’t go in blind. Every time you communicate with someone in the business, they are thinking WIIFM (what’s in it for me).
On this front, a common and reactive communication problem is our response when we hear from someone out of the blue that they want a favor. We know they came out of nowhere and want something, but they’ll never return the favor. Forget all that hocus pocus about good deeds being paid back. The plain and simple truth is that it doesn’t work and that serves to build a hidden resentment. If someone asks you for a favor and you expect it to be returned, let them know in advance. Call it reciprocity or whatever you want. Just make sure the person understands the handshake in the deal.
Email communication is doubly difficult because we all carry the baggage of preconceived notions about a person’s message. This is the case even when we have never met them! We are judged by the written language we use to communicate. Take time to carefully craft your written communications. Would you be offended if someone wrote the same to you? Is there something you would read in the message? We’ve become notoriously lax on business etiquette in our email correspondence because it’s so user-friendly. Before you hit the send button, think about what you’re writing and how you’re communicating it.
One of the most common written communication mistakes is misspelling or misspelling someone’s name. For example, we can use Katherine instead of Catherine or Kathleen instead of Caitlyn. For some unknown reason, women are freaked out by this misstep. Some of the nastiest messages I’ve ever received were the result of making this kind of simple mistake. If this happens to you, apologize and move on. If this mistake has soured the relationship, accept that nothing will save it.
What about our cover communication techniques? During my sales days calling women into a decision-making role, I constantly hit a brick wall with the doorman. Have you met this guardian? It’s like Cerberus guarding the inner sanctum. How frustrating is that when you know you have something of value to offer? Seriously, we’ve all had the experience of trying to calm or nurture that bulldog who’s taking care of his owner. And worst of all are the abrupt, abrasive and antagonistic women who allow our male counterpart to walk through the door.
How do you get past the sentinel between you and your target? Simply put, you need to cultivate the guardian before you can engage in any meaningful dialogue. Why is this person so suspicious and suspicious of your intentions anyway? It is important to remember that she is protecting her territory. Her role is to prevent unwanted people from reaching the next level. Why does she consider you unworthy? She considers you insignificant; after all you are just another woman. How can you be someone important?
Let’s explore this mindset. Have you ever found yourself in a predominantly male crowd with a few women scattered throughout? Did you find yourself gravitating towards men and ignoring women? I’ve already done it. Why in my vast experience am I engaging in this behavior? I have been conditioned. We all have! With so few businesswomen in the male-dominated business environment, I am forced to make snap decisions about the women in the room. Why are they there? Are they of any help? What’s its purpose? Since they are also a woman; can they have any importance? Did I examine your appearance? your bet. I reviewed it down to the last detail. Interesting analysis, huh? That’s what the gatekeeper is thinking of you!
One unfortunate communication trait most of us have come across from another woman is the one she delivers like the ugly green-eyed monster: jealousy. Consciously or unconsciously, we evaluate and compare our successes or failures with others in our circle of acquaintances or even high-profile women, complete achievements we can never hope to replicate. Making these evaluations puts a bias in our communication style. If someone is more successful and has a higher profile, we automatically assume the worst. Our suspicious minds want to know how it got there. We think she must be sleeping with the boss, have someone’s assets in the company, or she’s the “token” woman (don’t worry, she’s not alone, men have these same thoughts too). Superate yourself! She won!! She may not be able to control the emotion, but she can avoid interjecting thoughts into the tone of her conversation. She thinks before speaking. Dispel any preconceived notions about the person she is talking to that might distort the message she is conveying. Engage in some benign small talk while she sorts through her thoughts. Get on an equal footing. It’s an old saying, but it rings true: She puts her pants on one leg at a time just like you do.
Moving on, what about the convenient non-communicator? Have you ever had an associate work his way to the top of the company only to disassociate himself from those below him? I know such a person. He went so far as to tell me, “I don’t have time to associate with anyone who isn’t at my level in the food chain.” I have known this person for a long time and until this moment she was just a normal “girl”. This phenomenon is much more frequent than you think. Psychologists called it “drawbridge syndrome.” You climb the bridge behind you as you cross it and work your way up the corporate ladder. Don’t let this happen to you. Remember where you come from. Be true to yourself and those who support you. Treat all women with the same respect no matter how high you climb the ladder of success.
An obvious problem with women’s communication is that on the receiving end, we take everything personally. Whether it’s an unfavorable response, a statement about a situation, or a problem to be solved, many women take it as a personal affront. Wrong! What is happening is a business. It may be good business practice and has nothing to do with you personally.
Here are some successful methods to open a door to a lasting relationship.
o Get a referral from someone who already knows or is working with the person you are trying to foster. Word of mouth communication is a strong influencer among women. A reference gives you instant credibility.
o Ask for assistance or help with a project. Depending on the type of appeal you make will influence your success rate. Make your application short and sweet with clear benefits for them with solid results. “You will get X for your help.”
o Use humor. Lighten the moment and soften the situation. This works well when you have made a misstep.
o Make a smart, interesting, or powerful statement. Remember that women are busy and multitask. Capture their attention with an important message.
o When you receive or experience an unpleasant communication, let it rest before responding. The women are notorious for coming back with clever retorts.
Sometimes even the great communicator won’t make it with another woman. I recently sent a message to my readers that was quite amusing. 95% of people thought so and responded with that thought in mind. The other 5% let me know that they thought the message was abrasive, arrogant and condescending. The fact is that you are never going to please any woman you interact with. There are some women you will never “hook up” with despite your best effort. My advice? Move on to the next relationship and put the unsuccessful one on the back burner. Don’t destroy it with a nasty, condescending (sensitive) rebuttal.
Above all, think before you communicate with another woman. Pass the sound byte through your head before opening your mouth. How does it sound to you? Would you be offended or angry if someone said the same thing to you? Is your connection on a deeper level? Do you clearly state a benefit? Remember that it is not always what you communicate, but the method and the way you communicate it.