The importance of praising children cannot be stressed enough. Even if they tell you that they don’t care what you think, teens want your approval and they want to know that you recognize their strengths, achievements and they want you to make them feel important. However, what I have consistently heard from parents of teenagers is that sometimes praise can seem almost impossible due to the many challenges and frustrations parents experience raising teenagers. How do you praise when they are constantly testing limits, slamming doors, breaking rules, or yelling at you? While it’s not always easy, it’s always important to your child’s overall self-esteem and self-perception.
Your teen may not recognize that you’re praising him or may even question why you’re praising him, which is fine; the important thing is that she is doing it consistently.. Teenagers want to be recognized, so if you don’t recognize the good, they will make sure you recognize the negative or the bad. Giving praise can improve your overall communication with them because by not always having to focus on the negative, you’re showing them that your verbal communication can also be positive, which can increase their desire to talk to you. Despite your teen’s oppositional behaviors—yelling, dressing up, breaking rules, failing grades, or other challenging behaviors—it’s critical that you also “catch them being nice.” This means that despite all the challenges and frustrations, you must sincerely look for and acknowledge the things that you are doing well. Research has shown that increasing positive behaviors will automatically decrease some of the negative behaviors. If all you do is pay attention to the negative, then that’s all you’ll get in return…negative behaviors. I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting that anyone ignore negative behaviors, especially if they are potentially dangerous, however, I want to make sure that positive behaviors do not go unnoticed either.
You may need to start with really basic and simple things if you are having a hard time identifying positive behaviors.. Maybe it’s that they got up for school on their own, put the dishes in the dishwasher, got home on time, got a good grade, you were watching them outside shooting a basketball and they did really well. , that they told you that they liked the dinner, that they thanked you for the walk, etc. This all sounds pretty basic, yet it can be powerful for a parent to say, “I appreciate you thanking me for the trip I gave you; it made me feel good to feel appreciated.” Think about how your teen might respond if you said, “Thank you so much for taking the dog out every day after school, it makes things so much easier for me when I get home.” These are basic statements that can be very meaningful to a teen who doesn’t feel recognized unless he is doing something wrong.
Here are some tips for praising your teen:
1. Be sincere. This is sometimes the hardest for parents because they are so frustrated. It is important that you take some time to notice the things you like and appreciate about your child and that you really mean it when you praise or else it will be noticed and resentment may develop.
2. Praise promptly when possible. Giving immediate feedback is always more powerful than giving it long after the fact. So…if you see or hear your teen doing something praiseworthy, it’s always best to take the time to give this positive praise on the spot.
3. Show interest and enthusiasm in what your teen is doing. Notice what your teen likes and what motivates him and express interest in this.
4. Be excited about your accomplishments. Regardless of how big or small, let them know you notice them and are proud of their accomplishments.
5. Praise them for trying. Even if they aren’t 100% successful at something, let them know that you admire their effort. Encourage them and give them the credit they deserve.
6. Be specific about what you are praying for. It’s always good to tell your teen that you love and appreciate him, but it’s also very helpful to praise specific things. So instead of just saying, “I’m proud of you,” label what you’re proud of. For example, “I’m so proud of you for not giving up during the game and cheering on your teammates.” Another example is: “I’m proud of you for always trying your exams at school.”
7. Never add negative to praise. You never want to mix praise with something negative. So DON’T say, “I’m so proud of you for getting home on time for your curfew, but I wish you could do it more often.” All your teen will hear in this example is the negative and that you are focusing on what they are doing wrong. Keep praise times separate from when you’re addressing negative behaviors.
8. Don’t put too much emphasis on praising appearance. While it’s important for your teen to know that they look good, they shouldn’t focus too much on this, as they are very self-conscious. You don’t want them to think that his appearance is the only thing you’re also noticing. Be sure to praise his other qualities as well.