I often talk to women who have recently found out that their husbands have cheated on them. I realize that very often, the wife is more concerned with the other woman or the husband’s mistress than with her husband or her marriage. It is perfectly natural to wonder about this woman and want to know more about her. After all, she is the person who had a huge role in changing your world and you want to see for yourself who you are fighting.
So many women email me when the other woman tries to initiate contact with them and wonder what they should do. Common questions are: “should I meet her face to face or by phone?”; “Should I tell my husband that I am going to meet her?”; or “Should I just ignore this woman? Do I really want to let her into my life?” I will answer these questions in the next article.
Defining why you want to confront the lover: Before I offer you my advice, I’d like you to take a minute and think about what you hope to accomplish by meeting the other woman. Here are some common answers to this question to get you started:
- You want to measure it. You want to know if she is younger than you, sexier than you, or prettier than you. In short, is she viable competition?;
- he wants to question her about how the affair happened and what is happening now and compare that with her husband’s version of events;
- she wants him to threaten her and tell her that she better leave her family alone;
- you want to appeal to his sense of decency and tell him that his actions are hurtful and ask him to stop immediately;
- you want to tell him that he can stay with your husband and that you both deserve each other; Prayed
- you want to tell him that you are going to save your marriage and you want him to make his big exit so he won’t get in your way.
Why you will often fail to meet these goals when meeting the woman your husband is cheating on you with: Once you define what you want out of this meeting, I want you to honestly consider whether you really believe you can achieve it by meeting with her. Because, I can tell you that OVERWHELMINGLY my readers tell me that the meeting didn’t go as well as they had planned or that it didn’t even begin to deliver what they expected.
Honestly, for the meeting to go well, this woman must be rational, honest, responsive and communicative. Has her past behavior indicated that she is any of these things? Absolutely not. Her past behavior has shown her to be a liar, a betrayer, a manipulator, and an opportunist. Therefore, it is foolish to think that you will get help or reliable information from her. In truth, she requested this meeting or is trying to contact you because she WANTS SOMETHING FROM YOU, something that will help her, not you.
Why the mistress is probably communicating with you: Often the mistress will contact the wife as part of a strategy. She wants to feel you and see who she is competing with. She wants to get words that she can use against her with her husband. She wants to paint herself as the innocent part of all of this (he approached her). And she wants to make sure you know that she holds the cards, that she can continue to cheat on your husband and control your life if that’s what she wants to do.
Now sometimes the “other woman” will play this out differently. She will initially apologize and swear that this is the first time she has ever done this, that she did not mean for this to happen and that she is deeply ashamed. She will apologize as a way to ease the guilt from her. This can even give you closure or a sense of relief. But I have to tell you that many mistresses who take this tactic often go on with the husband. They will show remorse and tell you one thing, only to do another.
Her real goal is to size you up, listen to your side of the story, and then go back and confront her lover (your husband) in the hopes that SHE will reassure her that she is the one she really wants. It’s all part of a game that she’s playing for her benefit.
What to communicate if you must meet with her: Despite all of these facts, many women will tell me, “I know you’re right. You really are, but I have to see her. I can’t stand not knowing what she looks like or who she is.” I understand this. I used to follow my husband’s mistress, but eventually, I never made contact because I realized that she would do more harm than good.
However, if you must speak to her, I would absolutely recommend keeping it short and sweet. Define the things you really want to convey, say them calmly, and walk away. Don’t let him involve you or pressure you for information. Don’t let him spew hurtful information at you that may not be true. Don’t let her drag you down into her mud.
The best revenge against her: In truth, the thing that is going to get this woman the most is IGNORE her and get your husband back (if you want him). Because really, what she wants more than anything is to insert herself into you and into your husband’s life. She wants to hurt you, weaken you, and force your hand so that she seems more attractive in comparison.
Honestly, she has no place in your life, so don’t let her in. The best thing you can do is get her out of your life as soon as possible and close the door firmly and permanently.